In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
