What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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