Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Four minutes until I can fart!
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
