Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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