it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
