Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I forget how to act sober
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