Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
