So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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