Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
