Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
