I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
