the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
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I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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