Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
