Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
