Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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