"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
