I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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