Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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