These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me