Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
