just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
