You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
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