if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
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We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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