Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
