remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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