I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
