Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
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Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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