the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
