new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
