Your face is a jimmy john
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
