they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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