apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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