I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
