I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
