her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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