i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
