party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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