My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
