we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
