i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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