If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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