I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
