Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
