i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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