Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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