3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
