I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
