nut hugger
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
