Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
