Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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