who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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