We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
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he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
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He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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