Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
