Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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